My answer was, “He invests in real estate.”

“He’s a Realtor?”

“No, they buy and sell for other people, my dad invests for himself.”

It was a grey haired lady with long painted fingernails, named Jessica Hampton, she had a red tag that said, ‘Register Here’

She looked at all my papers three times, and then said, “Rod your supposed to have an adult parent with you at the time you check into any Florida school.”

“I brought all the required papers.” I pointed to a brown folder on the counter she had already looked at, “Isn’t everything there?”

“Yes all the necessary papers, but these all look like brand new papers.  Your papers say that last year you went to Palm Beach Middle?”

“Yes I did and my fathers in Daytona Beach on business today.”

“How did you get to school bus or dropped off?”

“I have a driver, he’s outside the office.”

“He can just take you back home and tomorrow have your investor father come to school with you.”

“My father wouldn’t want me to miss a day of school.”

“You really don’t look old enough for the 9th grade Rod.  I think your about eleven, and I think your dad faked some papers to get you ahead in school.”

“My father did not forge my papers!  If you can’t be a helpful old lady, then you should retire to an old folks home!  I’m fourteen and five days old!”

“Well you go home now little boy, you can’t even be on school property.  I don’t care how much you spent on your little suit, you can’t buy your way into Deland High!”  I stood right there, and glared at her.  She was insulting and hateful in her attitude. She brought out the worst in me, and I had some pointy devils down  inside me.

She pushed a button and a school guard in blue uniform came in and she said,  “Escort the student to his car, and if he is parked in a restricted area then issue  him a parking ticket.”

The big guard’s name was Jeff (he had a name tag).  He grabbed me under the arms and propelled me out the door, where my driver and bodyguard Bennie was standing.

Bennie was much bigger and had rarely had a reason to defend me.  Usually we just drove around and he followed me in the mall or at middle school.  People often kept their distance from Bennie.  He quickly removed the guard’s hands from me and put Jeff on the ground on his knees, and locked his hands behind him.  It was fun to see Bennie work, his movements were so fluid and smooth.

“What is this?”  the school guard said and I pointed to Jessica Hampton inside and said to Bernie, “The grey haired woman ordered him to kick me off campus.”

Jessica was talking to a girl who was lined up after me.  The girl was dark-haired and short like me and I had been embarrassed being taken out of the office like a criminal in front of the pretty girl.

“Arrest the woman Bennie”, I told my bodyguard, pointing at Jessica.  She of course pushed her button again and I heard an alarm ring, far off this time.

“Show her your badge Bennie, so we won’t have to shoot anyone.”

Bennie laid out his badge which said, ‘Federal Agent’/  It was a gold badge, and everyone know gold badges were the most important ones.  “Cuff this one I told Bernie, and as he put Jessica’s hands behind her back, I turned to the girl my size at the counter and said, “And you will stay with me today, you’re going to be my witness.”  I showed the girl my gold badge which said, “U.S. Federal Regulator”

The girl was clutching her new schedule of classes.  It looked like she was a 9th grader like me.  Her name was at the top of the paper and was Rosie Burns.

“Rosie I’m Rod.  Have you ever met a Regulator before?”

“No sir.”

“Well keep it to yourself.  We don’t want publicity.”  Rosie’s eyes got big, and she had beautiful brown eyes, when I showed her my badge.  I went to Regulator school in Washington D.C. every summer and the other boys talked on and on about how girls reacted to gold badges.  Rosie seemed like a great opportunity to me.

I reported to my first 2 classes with Rosie, they were General Science and Civics.  In both cases I explained that, “I am scheduled for this class, but Jessica Hampton didn’t have time to fill out mine and Rosie’s so we both follow Rosie’s.”

At lunch I found a table for Rosie and me and we had held hands going to the different classes and to lunch.  At my middle school I had a girlfriend who went around with me holding hands.  The other girl, Beth, never knew I was a regulator.  With Beth we had to talk about ‘holding hands’ and what it meant, and all that gobble gook.  With Rosie I just took her hand, and I got no complaint.  I began liking my Regulator’s badge.

Bennie went up and bought our lunches, and brought them out to us.  When we were settled at the table I said, “You can talk now Rosie.”

“What happened to the old woman in the office and the guard who were handcuffed?”  she said.

“I haven’t decided yet.  They committed serious crimes

Well your my witness, what did you see them do?”

“The woman called the guard to put you off campus because she didn’t know how important you are.”

“She had to be dragged out of the office.”

“Yes. Where are the woman and the guard?”

“I didn’t ask Bennie, but he probably locked them in the back of my car.  My car is equipped for transporting prisoners or slaves.”

“I never imagined that there were boys who were regulators.  I’ve read books, regulator stories about men who had that job.”

“Last summer at our regulator school we were ten boys.  I could take over full-time tomorrow if something happened to my father. or he retired.”

“Is your father the regulator for Florida?”

“Thats one of our states — the others are Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, South and North Carolina and Tennessee.

Do you know Rosie what regulators do?”

“In the books I read they stop corruption.”

“How do they say we do it?”

“Executions.”

“That’s a main part of it.”

“My family moved to Deland from Columbia South Carolina.  Did you execute people from South Carolina?”

“Sure I remember doing plenty of them.”

“How do you do it Rod?  I mean do you hang them?”

“Well it gets boring if your not imaginative.  Hanging is just a type of strangulation.  That’s always a non-messie type of elimination.  I like the ‘bloodless endings’ for most of those I do, but beheadings are so decisive. ”

Just then Bennie brought our meat loaf, green garden peas, and big biscuit that needed butter, but there was none.

I had finished everything but the biscuit when this big girl, who didn’t comb her hair well enough, she was maybe a senior, came to stand at my table and said,  “Are you Rod Stagger?”

“Yes I am.”  I said.

“Mr. McClory the Assistant Principal wants to see you in his office.”  the girl said, and just stood there.  I waited till Rosie finished her meat loaf and then Bernie took our plates and Rosie and I followed the senior girl, and Bernie followed me.

Les McClory’s office was small and I entered with Rosie and Les said, “I just need to talk to you Rod, not the girl.”

“She’s with me”  I said and pulled her down in the chair with me.

When Bernie closed the door and stayed outside the Vice Principal said, “I understand you’re a 9th grade student, Rod Stagger, and today you came to school without a parent.”

“That is correct.”

“I’m trying to piece together what has happened here today.  So as I understand it, from those I talked to, you objected to not being registered without a parent.  That is our rule, but you objected to that?”

“I objected to being grabbed and dragged out of the office at the orders of Jessica Hampton.”

“Mrs Hampton was just following school rules.  I am very strict about our rules here at Deland HIgh and Mrs Hampton has been on the job here for 25 years.”

“Well today she broke my rule.  I don’t allow anyone to grab me.”

“Oh yes I heard about the phony badge, I think you flashed a gold badge along with your driver.  And you don’t pretend to be a sheriff’s deputy or city cop, but a Federal Regulator?

I’m 43 years old son and I’ve never even met someone who has ever seen a real regulator.”

“So you think regulators are myths?”

“I think there are regulators, but they deal with big criminals and corrupt public officials.  They don’t live in places like Deland Florida.”

“Everyone knows how to report a big federal crime, or how to make the report.  Who do you call Mr. McClory?”

“There is a number listed under the U.S. Post Office Dept. in every directory.  It says ‘U.S. Regulator’.  It’s the one number even little kids are afraid to call.  They play pranks with the police and fire department, but they leave the Regulators alone.  Are you a complete idiot to have fake regulator badges?”

“That’s right, I suggest you can that number Mr. Vice Principal.  You need to report someone here at YOUR school claiming to be a Regulator.  Give his name as Rod Stagger, ‘Using a phony regulator  badge, and be sure to report that his driver flashed a phony federal agent badge.  Tell them that.”

He didn’t move to do anything, again,  he was indecisive.  The phone was right there on his desk and the directory, but he didn’t move.  So I finally said, “Oh that’s right all you know it’s hearsay.  I need to flash my badge at you.”  I pulled out the gold badge (they are real gold, not plated) and sort of pointed it at him.  Rosie squirmed in her seat, and that was quite pleasant.  I like squirming in Rosie, she’s a little hot firecracker of a girl, really beautiful and lively.

“Do you want Bernie to come in a show you his badge?”  I said, and threw my badge across his desk so he could look at it.  My name, number, age were all in the folder.  It even had my new address in Deland 100 Hillshire Drive.  It was a big old house on the Stetson University grounds and he probably knew it.  I was told it was 700 years old, and an historic landmark.  He probably knew or had seen the house.

“This is your chance to verify that my badge is the real thing.  We have almost limitless power for deciding matters of life and death.”  When I said ‘life and death’ the vice principal sort of had a n emotional jerk reaction.  Also Rosie got much closer to me.  She just flattened against me.

“Really I was just checking what was told me.  The badge looks like the real thing to me.

Are you a full regulator now Rod or do you take over if something happens to your father?”

“I’ve been to all the ruquired training in Washington and I’m officially a regularor.  I have the very same powers and obligations as a fully grown regulator.

I grew up in a house in South Miami  where we punished and mutulated people who needed their necks squeezed, almost every night.

You Les McClory will need to be punished because your rule led to the woman ordering the guard to assault me.”

“Look son I’m sorry!  I didn’t know a regulator would be coming to school!”

“Don’t talk so loud.  In fact it would be best right now if you got on the floor and crawled to where I’m sitting and began sucking on my shoes.”

He was caught up in his indecision again and just sat in his chair perfectly still.

“”You admitted that it is your rule that Jessica and the big guard named Jeff followed when they assaulted a regulator.”  He started to say something and I put my hand over my mouth to show he should not talk.

“This is not a court of law where you can talk, you are guilty and will be punished.”

That statement caused the vice principal in his nice suit and tie to get on his knees and quickly crawl to my feet and begain sucking my shoes,  and Rosie began kissing my neck and hugging me.

It was just like this boy who was a regulator student from Montana had told me in Washington, “Girls just melt in your hands when they see that gold badge.  During sex I keep it on the bed.  It’s magic.”

All comments are welcome, send them to Ray Cates at rcates2@cox.net   or fax me at  1-352-629-1573

Another story with links is: http://unsightlyteeth.wordpress.com

He has residences in Ocala and Port Orange.